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You Say It Best When You Say Nothing At All

To begin this blog I would like to start by saying, “No, I am not pregnant; I am just wearing a very stylish peasant tank top today.”

Maybe you shouldn’t have asked.

Ahhh, yes, the story of my life these days…”So, when are you and your husband planning on having children…”…”You two need to have a girl…”…”You better hurry up…He is running out of time…”…”Kas, how old are you? You know you really should start working on having kids…”…”Only a few more years…The clock is ticking…” Yada, yada, yada…And so the clock ticks-on…

This subject is the highlight of nearly every family and friend gathering these day – And it seems to open up some controversy wherever we go! Not because we aren’t planning on having any kids; not because we aren’t practicing; rather, we just don’t have the superhuman power to make it happen (or do we?)! There is a flurry of opinions and advice from all walks of our married life; and after really thinking about it, I felt the need to blog my thoughts! Mostly because if my husband and I are constantly being bombarded with that question, other “thirty-to-forty something” adult married couples probably are, too.

My number one issue with this question is that so many people approach the subject without sensitivity. In fact, it seems as though everyone that approaches us with the matter just “assumes” we want to have kids. It’s like, that’s what married people do: they get married, they work, they nest, they have children, they live for their children, and then, they die. What else would you do, if you didn’t have children? What do you mean you don’t want to have children? Won’t your life be empty?

I highly doubt it…In fact, just by meeting my husband my life was fulfilled in so many ways…And now that we are married, we are even more fulfilled. We both will be thankfully blessed if we get pregnant; but we will have long, fulfilled, happy lives, if that road is not a path that our lives are granted. My issue is that having children isn’t always a “choice” people have; it’s a blessing by a higher power. And many people think that just because you take all of the healthy measures to clear that path for childbearing; it can & will happen to you!!! Well, I hate to remind you all that it really is in the hands of Mother Nature! And for some “thirty-to-forty something” couples, Mother Nature has her own path in mind!

In the end, it is your choice when you choose your mate and your lover. It is your choice to practice sex with your partner, either protected or unprotected and uninhibited – or not to. At our age, or any, it really is out of our hands as to whether the practice of sex leads to the blessing of a child. It is the delicateness of this private and personal matter that makes this such a very sensitive subject for so many people.

I particularly can recall last New Year’s Eve at our home. We had two other couples over – Both couples were unmarried, but exclusive. At one moment that evening, my girlfriend shouted something to the effect of when we were going to have children. It completely set me off! Not the fact that we aren’t planning on having children, but moreso because of the manner the statement was said…as if it was expected that we were having children.

Whether we can have children biologically, or should we choose to adopt a child is another overlooked and underappreciated marital decision. I often find that people are a bit insensitive to this idea, as well. Happily adopted children are found everywhere in our world; and elated, loving parents all over the same world choose to bring these children into their lives every day. Should that be an option, we would be ecstatic to consider adoption…as would many other prospective parents our ages. However, adoption is a long, very expensive and entirely situational process that has so many weights and measures to it – that it may not be ideal for every marital situation. People shouldn’t be scrutinized because they don’t choose to adopt, if they cannot have biological children. Adoption is a choice – a very major one, with a lot of text – and even more sub-text…And may not even be a viable option for most couples!

There are so many options for couples nowadays when it comes to parenting, but the most important aspect of the entire decision is the decision itself. We love and respect our friends and family, as so many other thirty-to-forty something married couples do, but please have the respect to approach the subject of childbearing with ease and poise – with the utmost sensitivity to your loved ones. You never know how the framework of your questions can affect couples and their views and feelings. The choice to have children, whether biologically or through adoption, is a life-changing choice, and often couples may not be able to have either….So, be dignified and courteous in your approach. Sometimes it’s better to just say nothing at all…and see what their love may bring!

~K

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Update: An article that is a great follow-up to my blog, courtesy of MSN and thebump.com: http://lifestyle.msn.com/your-life/family-parenting/staticslideshowtkt.aspx?cp-documentid=29596867&gt1=32050